Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
