walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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