sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
