Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Randomize
