Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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