I wish I could teleport
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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