Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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