i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
