I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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