Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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