Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
