if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my phone needs a breathalizer
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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