i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
