Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
