god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
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