Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
