I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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