Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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