i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We have started to decorate penises.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
