A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
