Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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