I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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