Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
