we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
