My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
