You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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