The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
