I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
