There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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