Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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