she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
