I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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