Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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