U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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