Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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