i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
