I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
why do cheetos always look like penises
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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