If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
