well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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