Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
