i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
