Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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