I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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