Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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