things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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