I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect