Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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