Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
