so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
