Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
