I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
