i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
