Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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