my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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