look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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