When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
