So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
